heartafteryou

Yes, it’s finally happened. I created this months ago but today Hiemann finally convinced me to actually start using it. The roles of my Google Reader shared items, WordPress, Tumblr, and Twitter currently all stand be re-assessed some time in the near future…

What is the antonym of retreat?

Anyway, here are some thoughts currently at the forefront of my mind that may not have been digested quite completely, but here we go…

Years from now or even months and weeks from now, I don’t want to look back and wish I had gone right instead of left.  I don’t want to muck around waiting for God to bail me out of my stupidity or waste time thinking “what if.”  I don’t want to have my heart and my mind get into a game of “I told you so.”  I don’t want to pray prayers designed to write him out of the picture once I get what I want or what I think I need.  I don’t want to regard him as training wheels that I can take off once I feel okay on my own, because when it  actually comes to real life I sure as heck don’t have any muscle memory.

Pastor Dave poignantly observed that too often we focus on intimacy with God, this idea that he’s a soft cuddly teddy bear that listens to all our problems, over the idea that he is Lord.  He already knows all our problems and the fact that he is this all-powerful, supreme being to be feared makes the intimacy that much better.  But what does it mean that Jesus Christ is Lord?  Too often have I relegated that word to merely being filler in prayers.  The reality of the self-centered lens with which I view so much of the world around me is frightening.  I’ll do this but not that, I’ll go here but not there, because that’s what makes me comfortable, that’s what makes me happy, that’s what fulfills my goal through what I think is the best possible way.  And what about God?  What about the Lord who is supposed to have sovereignty over all that I do, who is supposed to have dominion over all of my thoughts and plans?  At the end of the day, if he said, “Get uncomfortable, shake things up, be radical, be uncool for me,” and yet I dared not make a move out of complacency and uncertainty and fear, God will be perfectly justified in rejecting what little I have to offer him.  Because it’s not that I didn’t bring my A-game, it’s that while knowing his rules and terms, I, rooted in self-centeredness, still wanted to play with my own.  It’s not that I didn’t know exactly what God wanted, it’s that I knew better, but I chose worse.

Years from now or even months and weeks from now, I want to look back knowing that I have loved the Lord well, that I have heard and answered his call in an extreme way. I want to choose the right fork in the road in submission and obedience. I want to be convinced that every move I made stemmed from confidence and courage and certainty that I found in him.  He is an absolute Lord with absolute judgment.  Simply put, never will our just and righteous God negotiate or take the excuses that we make for screwing up.

以上です。

…that I’m not allergic to hazelnut.  Hazelnut coffee and Twix is a delightful combination.

…for unexpected meetings, fruitful conversations, unrestrained laughter, people to love.

…for truth and coherence in times of BDFML.

Currently attempting to study for my Chinese exam.  It’s only two chapters but the amount of grammar we’ve covered is…mastodonic.  (Side note: it doesn’t help that I’m in a class full of Chinese people who, regardless of whether they are truly “non-native” speakers or not, have been exposed to Chinese in some shape or form all their lives.  It comes so much more intuitively to them.  Thank goodness there isn’t a curve in language classes…Or if there is, for my sanity I’m kept blissfully unaware.)

My linguistics professor (the crazy absent-minded brilliant one) extended our problem set deadline until…Thursday.  It was originally due Wednesday.  Only one more day?  :(  I’m still trying to decide whether this is a blessing or a curse.  On one hand I won’t be freaking out about it tonight as much as I would have been, but on the other hand I don’t know how much headway I’ll make on it tonight because of this Chinese exam, and regardless I’ll be freaking out about it tomorrow because I also have my CC presentation for which to prepare.  (Oh, yes.  I’m so excited to lead a two-hour discussion on Hegel.  Joy.)

In other news, spent most of the day today with the Japan kids.  Not everything (read: very little) went as originally planned, but I think it worked out well.  I feel bad because they were all so tired (especially the Kaz).

All in all the week is going surprisingly smoothly.  And fast too.  As fast and painless as it could be going, considering various given circumstances.  I’d like to think this is a testament to God’s mercy.

真希望．．．

Some good reads and food for thought:

Anna’s latest blog post – “Thoughts On Relevancy”
Latest Tozer Devotional – “Christ In You“

By Cory Asbury

I want to be Your friend
One who will sit and hear Your words
I want to walk with You
Down this lonely, narrow road
But God, You know my weakest state
You know how I need Your hand of grace
To come and pull me up to where You are

I wanna stay close to the fire in Your eyes
To the burnings of Your heart
I don’t wanna grow cold
So come and set Your seal of love upon my heart
A love as strong as death
‘Til I’m forever Yours

I wanna be found in the council of the Lord
With a heart that’s after Yours
I don’t wanna grow cold
So come and set Your seal of love upon my heart
A love as strong as death
‘Til I’m forever Yours

All-consuming fire of love
Come burn away what hinders love
‘Til I am only, only Yours
‘Til I am only, ’til I am only Yours

Today was really, really rough.

8:45 Praying there’s no work to do today at work.  I feel like death.

9:30 Head still reeling from recent events but strangely at peace with the world.  And myself.  Thanks God.

9:40 Everything is working out this morning.  Thanks God.

9:55 Babies.  I want one.  Or three.

10:33 Talking to Anna.

10:44 Konny says Anna and I flirt too much.  What…?

11:18 I would like to nap.

11:27 Konny just came in and gave me chocolate. Yay!

11:48 This day is so slow.  I don’t mind not doing anything but I wish the day would go by faster.  :(

11:51 PRINGLES STIX!!! OM NOM NOM NOM.

12:04 Anna just printed out a list of all of my Facebook friends.  AWLEKTIJSFDLKJSLOLOLOL it was accidental but still WTFLMAO.

12:05 12:03 PM Anna: WOW
so apparently
i printed out a list of all your friends
on fb
and this guy just came by
and wa slike
do you have a friend named bahmee kim
wowowowowowowow
me: what?!
Anna: how did that even happen
12:04 PM me: why did you print out a list of my friends?!
what?!??!
Anna: nono not your friends
i printed out your wall thread
apparently
and this guy was like
she has like 900 friends
i was like
OMG
and he was like
its fine
12:05 PM and he just delighted in the fact that you had so many friends

12:26 Good grief, the wind.

12:46 Good grief, people need Jesus.

13:06 Good grief, mood swing crash ZOMG.

13:09 Good grief.
Steven’s status: “enjoying muchkins in the morn.”
1:06 PM me: MUNCHKINS!!!
1:07 PM Steven: yes.
you are.
me: I am munchkins?
Steven: yes.
you are.
me: oh.
ok
Steven: Oh wow
that makes my status really awkward then.
1:09 PM me: HAHAHAHAHHA
STEVEN CHOI
you are ridiculous.
Steven: Doesn’t it though?
1:10 PM me: yeah
1:11 PM and you spelled it wrong
Steven: OH WOW
I’m terrible!
me: lol

14:04 Ugh done with Tontie.  Back to Minesweeper.

14:29 I just beat my own all-time record on expert.  I think.

14:50 Wow, I am completely out of it.

15:24 Strawberry-raspberry-blackberry-blueberry cake (or was it a tart?) makes the world better.  At least for a little bit.  Happy 30th birthday Michael!

15:42 Good grief.  Nearly cut my tongue licking this envelope.

15:53 Barely functioning.  Konny made me green tea.  Thank you, Konny.

17:13 So wise.
5:13 PM Anna: i dunno
i always think time is grace

17:15 Leaving work now.

18:10 Confused, annoyed, irritated.  Bollocks.

18:43 Chilling in Lerner with Hiemann and Mariko. Good times catching up!  It’s been forever.

19:13 Was supposed to watch a 7:10 showing of Coraline with Vicky and Chris but Vicky never picked up…

21:30 Hiemann treated me and Mariko to dinner at Max SoHa.  Thanks, Hiemann!

21:53 Still congested.  Also had a very very minor allergic reaction at dinner.

22:07 About to fall asleep as I type this email for RCF.

22:34 Goal today was to be in bed by 11.  Success!  Good night.

9:20 Left my phone and my iPod in my room. NOOOOOO.

9:23 Saw my first MetroPCS ad in New York.  Oh, the memories (I used to work at a MetroPCS store)…

9:40 Guy with a Spock haircut just walked in the subway.  Sweet.

9:41 Our conductor just wished us a happy Valentine’s day.  Awesome.

9:50 Wow, just saw a newspaper with a huge MetroPCS ad on the back cover.  Did MetroPCS just get to NY??

10:15 Working at Lee’s desk today.  Ooh, empowering!  (Lee is like the head of the ACLU IRP branch in NY.)

10:22 NOOOOO LEE HAS NO MINESWEEPER ON HIS COMPUTERRRR.

11:14 Wow, haven’t had Starbucks in a while.

12:45 Pringles Pizza Stix are absolutely delightful!

12:49 Oh, I just realized it’s Friday the 13th…*Gasp*

12:55 Just picked up flowers that Irwin sent Konny.  AWWWWW!!!

12:59 Strangely I feel more romantic and mushy when I’m single than when I’m in a relationship…Maybe I just like seeing other people happy.

14:00 Just had lunch at Financier with Konny.  Prosciutto and mozzarella and basil sandwich!

15:05 I am so thirsty.

15:20 I fell asleep for a second and thought I was in my room.

15:55 It’s really hard to find a really good Minesweeper clone.

16:19 Playing Tontie.  Wow it’s been forever.

19:45 Calling my mama.  Time for FAFSA.

20:44 Called Joy who did not pick up.

21:05 Discussing housing and such for next year, yet again.  Ruggles???

21:30 Hanging out with the Choi siblings tomorrow!

22:46 Doing Chinese homework.  Yay for mindlessly copying characters.

23:12 Watching “The Office” and doing Chinese homework.  WIN!

Forgive Me, Gorgeous is my friend Ryan’s one man band. And he is le awesome.

Ryan and me my senior year of high school.

Ryan’s a really cool guy and he can sing and play guitar.  He used to be in a screamo band called The Last Great Bridge Jumper. They were pretty serious about pursuing a career in music after high school but eventually disbanded and finally fell through after an attempted reunion over this past summer.  Leaving Ryan by himself once again.  As he writes in his blog: I once again began to look for something else. But this time, something new. Not an old strategy, or a revitalized idea, but something completely fresh. I started writing my own music. It fits best in the indie/folk genre, like Dashboard mixed with Jack Johnson mixed with Rocket Summer mixed with Manchester Orchestra.

Anyway, Ryan’s a great guy and really passionate about what he does. It’s been awesome watching him on his “journey” of sorts.  Please check out his stuff! “Volkswagen Commercial” is just very Ryan. And 2:56 in “One Unheard Message.” Good grief!

Check out his antics on his YouTube page as well.

Still trying to think of a name for these.  Twitter Free Fridays? Do I have a single creative bone in my body?

9:04 Waiting for the 1 at Chambers.  Nervously anticipating today.

9:29 Arrival at Konny’s desk, latte from Claudia’s in hand.  Could a $1.50 latte be any more delicious?  I think not.

9:37 Printing 11 copies of a 1238 document today.

10:19 Wonder if the first copy is done yet.

10:32 Trying to figure out how I want the rest of my college years to play out.

10:45 2/11 sent to printer.  Apparently there are no stairs in this building.  I took the elevator up one floor (and back down).

10:55 Had a moment of panic/confusion and cancelled the print job…but it hadn’t even sent to the printer yet because there are just so many pages.  Ah well, here we go again.

11:41 Where in the world am I going to get $8500?

12:25 4/11 complete.

12:30 Dropped Art Hum.

13:24 I don’t  understand how this phone works.

14:48 WOW. WHY THE HECK DOES IT KEEP PRINTING ON HOLE PUNCHED PAPER?

15:00 There is a sink in the mailroom.  On the floor.  Turned on its side.

15:20 6/11. RAHH TOO MANY MISHAPS.

15:40 7/11.

16:00 8/11.  I have caused so many paper jams today.

16:11 I really should just delete all of my subscriptions on Google Reader.

16:45 10/11.

17:01 Adele is stuck in my head.

17:15 Gah!  Final copy is done but mailroom is already locked!  :(

17:27 About to head out.

23:49 Had dinner at Anna’s with Vicky and then prayer meeting.  ENERGIZED!  Going to David’s to record soon…

04:48 …Bed.

Stands for “I Did Not Twitter Today.” Instead, I wrote this blog entry! Friends, be thankful that I don’t actually Twitter like this.

9:10 Waiting at the platform for the train. I realized I left my phone in my room.

9:30 Drink accident of the week #3: Waiting at 96th for the express. Took my Naked Juice out of my pocket and dropped it. Reached down to pick it up but it continued to slide across the platform and then proceeded to FALL ONTO THE SUBWAY TRACKS WTF. (#1 I bought a Naked Juice which turned out to be spoiled even though the expiration date said February and #2 right before my Chinese quiz I spilled an entire cup of green tea and milk onto a chair which I suspect I later sat in during Jube! rehearsal.)

11:02 Addressing letters by hand. I really do have awful handwriting.

11:14 It must be nice to do something you’re passionate about for a living.

11:20 My eyes are BURNING.

11:25 At least I’m not falling asleep though.

11:43 I have “Single Ladies” stuck in my head. OH GAASH.

12:13 It smells like that potato-y soup I like at Au Bon Pain. Mmmm. Why am I not done with intake yet?!

12:50 My hair is static-y.

13:02 Intake box is wonderfully empty! Finally!

13:20 Going to lunch with Konny!

14:55 WTH. How did I just now find out that Pinkberry’s been doing buy one get one free for practically the whole month of January? It’s my fault for slacking on Google Reader. Bah.

16:43 Busy at work. Still haven’t decided whether or not to go to prayer meeting today…

17:17 Finished appendix. Waiting for 17:30…

17:32 Leaving work now. Eyes are burning once again.

20:21 Haven’t done anything since getting back to my room. Seriously.

20:53 Why is it so hard to find someone to go to Pinkberry with? I have no friends.

23:11 Back from Pinkberry. I’m a (lonely) fatty.

23:50 Drink accident of the week #4: spilled tea all over myself just now.

00:23 Bed!