Reluctance

October 18, 2008

On why I haven’t really written in so long:

I could go on and on about this. I’ll try to keep it simple.

1. I don’t recall if I’ve ever blatantly said this before in my Xanga or anything, but I’ve never actually liked anything I write. I know I’m not a terrible writer, but there always seems to be something missing, some crucial element I can’t exactly pinpoint in my writing that keeps me from being a good writer. I kind of see this in all of my creative efforts. I mean, I can’t draw or anything like that worth my life, but I like to think that I’m pretty honestly critical of myself and when I think about other things like photography or music, for example, I’m not badddddd but there’s a line that I seem unable to cross into the “good” realm. But I don’t know. Is that important? Should it even matter at all as long as I’m creating, producing, making something, anything?

2. Sometimes I just feel like I have too much of a jumble of thoughts, that I don’t even want to begin to start recording it. Or I don’t know where exactly to begin. I know if I start trying, it’ll sound bad, it won’t come out like I want it to, I’ll delete it, and then I’ll be back at point one. I don’t think I’m particularly gifted with clarity and succinctness. I tend to ramble. I look back at the mess I’ve made and cringe a little. The only writing I’ve been doing these days is in my (physical, tangible) journal, and that’s easy because I just write down revelations that I’ve had, things God has spoken to me, or in my Twitter where I write about momentary day to day things I want to remember (and those statements are so short I don’t even know if you could call them writing).

3. I’m reluctant to share with the world. And I feel that if I write, I should share it. I shouldn’t be afraid to put it out there. Those who know me know I like my privacy. And it’s difficult to pour your heart and soul into something knowing people are going to be evaluating and judging (whether they do it consciously or not). But I’m trying. I’m learning the value of transparency and accountability. Practiced with discretion, of course.

So I guess to herald (what I see as) my entry back into the writing world, I’ll start off with something simple, my week.


On the steps.

The weather was weird but at times beautiful. Probably one of the last nice weeks we’ll have. Anna and I spent a lovely Wednesday afternoon outside on the steps. The week wasn’t as bad as it could have been considering I had three midterms and a paper to look forward to.

The weekend has been even better. It was pretty relaxing since I had very few responsibilities. I had a class-wide lecture to attend on Friday so Konny graciously gave me the entire day off from ACLU where I intern, a much needed break. Ever since I got back to school I have not had a single free weekend. But my body is so crazy now that it woke itself up at 9 AM on its one free day. Yeah great, good job guys.

Today was especially great. After morning prayer and ST meetings had lunch (Chipotle!) with some people. Then Red Mango with Norman and Minnow. Then blueberry pancakes from Mikey. And then Starbucks with Norman. I feel like I haven’t really chilled with people in a really long time. It was good. Despite the fact that I have a midterm on Monday I don’t know how to study for and that I might be in Jersey for most of the day tomorrow, I am strangely calm. Yarrrr.

Prayer meeting soon. I am stoked.

That is all.

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3 Responses to “Reluctance”

  1. Hiemann Says:

    good post! ur first three points were nicely articulated haha
    school sucks

  2. hoho Says:

    nice catching up with you. i wish i could go back to the step while the sun is still out.


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