Mind, Brain, and Behavior

December 3, 2008

I want to take a step back and relax but I’m scared then I will never catch up.

This, I think, is my problem. I am constantly standing at the edge of the water peering in, wasting time wondering whether or not I’ll be able to go against the current or if I’ll just be swept away with the rest of the world. I’m always just sitting here in nail-biting numbness, wishing I was better, stronger, wishing I knew how to love, waiting for something, something, to come and rock my world. This is so dangerous. This is so bad. Because so many times I forget that my world, it has already been rocked. My deepest desires, they have been fulfilled. My heart and soul have been captured and loved by a King who was humble and gracious enough to allow me to be in his holy presence, who even now wants me to be with him so that I may see his glory. How can something as crazy as that ever slip my mind? And yet I’m constantly distracted by other voices calling my name. And yet I hesitate to gather all of me before him and it is in those pauses that I fear my own heart will drive me away…

And yet his love and grace go deeper than I could ever imagine, and all the more he wants me to be alert. In all my cynicism and quiet exhaustion I don’t want to be shaken by anything but his righteousness. I don’t want to be caught unaware and unprepared. I’m tired of being weak God. I’m tired of bringing my own expectations to the table and stewing in frustration when they are not met. I’m tired of my own thoughts, constantly rationalizing, analyzing, trying to figure out every single detail before I take the plunge. Let me not be afraid to jump knowing that hands that calm the waters will catch me. Teach me first to wait quietly upon you, to be self-controlled and alert, intent upon rending my heart for you. I don’t want to be left behind, I don’t want to fall away while your kingdom surges ahead. God, that I would not be satisfied to live a life of passivity, but that I would move when I feel you move. That your voice would be so much louder and clearer than the resounding gongs that echo uselessly in my head. That your love, pure, unadulterated, selfless, would be the only thing that I yearn for.

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2 Responses to “Mind, Brain, and Behavior”

  1. threethirteen Says:

    Holler.


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