Posts Tagged ‘personal’

Useless Fire

December 31, 2008

Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the LORD must be destroyed. (Exodus 22:20)

Not merely punished, let go with a slap on the wrist, a little blot on your permanent record, but DESTROYED. This is a little frightening.

Not that we should repent just because we’re afraid of the wrath of God. I mean, his wrath is to be feared, no doubt. But what I want to be more aware of is the absoluteness of God. There is no room for shades of gray with God. He is holy, righteous, worthy, always, and he loves us, always. Which means he wants us to be holy and righteous for him, always. Not just when we feel like it, not just when it’s easy. Always, he is better. Always, we need to learn to choose him more. He doesn’t want just part of our hearts or part of our lives, he doesn’t want our defiled offerings (Malachi 1). He is holy, and we are to be wholly his.

More and more I realize how far I am from truly reflecting this in my life. Now since I’ve been at home I’ve been listening to a lot of old-school mainstream Christian songs because 104.7 The Fish is usually all my brother lets us listen to in the car. The other day I heard “More Precious Than Silver.” But I’m gonna be honest, in taking the song perhaps too literally, I thought to myself, I don’t really care much for silver and gold and diamonds. Then I started replacing those words with more relevant things.

Lord, you’re better than money…and all the pretty things money can buy.

Lord, you’re better than good grades (SSOL continues to ruin my day every morning by slowly but surely posting this semester’s grades…).

Lord, you’re better than…wait for it…boys.

Lord, you’re better than any other frivolity the world throws my way. Or I, despite knowing better, throw myself into.

Really, this list can go on and on. A record of false gods and proof of idols in my life and hard evidence of just how much more I need to rely on his strength all the more in light of my weakness. This is what would happen if you were to list all the things in my life that I place worth upon, and then if you went through that list I fear you would find so many things that aren’t the holiness and righteousness of God. So many things that aren’t, simply, Jesus.  And the thing is, I don’t want to just barely escape the flames, much less be completely destroyed by them. Everyday I want to choose Jesus more and renew my covenant with my God.

There was another song playing on the way to church this past Sunday, “Above All.” Above all kingdoms, above all thrones, above all wonders the world has ever known. Above all things God, you are worthy. And nothing that I desire compares with you.

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Wonder at His Wonders

December 9, 2008

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.

I mentioned briefly two posts ago about cynicism and frustration. I feel like I’m still really immature in terms of knowing how to wait upon God. I came into this year with a lot of expectations and thought that by asking for things I was showing that I trusted in his power. But God was basically just like, “You’re dumb.” Because he doesn’t just want to bless me, he wants me to marvel and relish in the blessings that he gives me. Whether I ask for them or not. So recently I have found that I am often taken by surprise when he does answer prayers, when things do change, when I do see his power at work in this world and those around me. WHY? I want to feel wonder and awe, not surprise. Why should I be surprised when he shows me that he is REAL and personal and even now is working for us? Why should I be surprised at how good he continues to be when he’s already shown love by freeing and rescuing me from death?

I need greater faith. To seal up the myriad cracks and doubts so that I don’t just fall to pieces one day. To believe he performs great works even in this very day and time. Especially in this day and time.

Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord. Renew them in our day, in our time make them known; in wrath remember mercy.

Roomie Love

December 6, 2008

Vicky and I no longer speak to each other in real words.  All communication takes place in the form of URLs.

AIM IM with just DUUU it
12:35 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tG7tqYbf36g&feature=related
12:53 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zhlhsB0VkkA
13:06 http://thedubrainstew.blogspot.com
13:08 https://foamsoap.wordpress.com/2008/10/18/reluctance/
13:17 https://foamsoap.wordpress.com/2008/12/06/roomie-love/

Mind, Brain, and Behavior

December 3, 2008

I want to take a step back and relax but I’m scared then I will never catch up.

This, I think, is my problem. I am constantly standing at the edge of the water peering in, wasting time wondering whether or not I’ll be able to go against the current or if I’ll just be swept away with the rest of the world. I’m always just sitting here in nail-biting numbness, wishing I was better, stronger, wishing I knew how to love, waiting for something, something, to come and rock my world. This is so dangerous. This is so bad. Because so many times I forget that my world, it has already been rocked. My deepest desires, they have been fulfilled. My heart and soul have been captured and loved by a King who was humble and gracious enough to allow me to be in his holy presence, who even now wants me to be with him so that I may see his glory. How can something as crazy as that ever slip my mind? And yet I’m constantly distracted by other voices calling my name. And yet I hesitate to gather all of me before him and it is in those pauses that I fear my own heart will drive me away…

And yet his love and grace go deeper than I could ever imagine, and all the more he wants me to be alert. In all my cynicism and quiet exhaustion I don’t want to be shaken by anything but his righteousness. I don’t want to be caught unaware and unprepared. I’m tired of being weak God. I’m tired of bringing my own expectations to the table and stewing in frustration when they are not met. I’m tired of my own thoughts, constantly rationalizing, analyzing, trying to figure out every single detail before I take the plunge. Let me not be afraid to jump knowing that hands that calm the waters will catch me. Teach me first to wait quietly upon you, to be self-controlled and alert, intent upon rending my heart for you. I don’t want to be left behind, I don’t want to fall away while your kingdom surges ahead. God, that I would not be satisfied to live a life of passivity, but that I would move when I feel you move. That your voice would be so much louder and clearer than the resounding gongs that echo uselessly in my head. That your love, pure, unadulterated, selfless, would be the only thing that I yearn for.

Jenny

November 9, 2008

I just got off the phone with my mom and I am crying because she told me they gave our dog away yesterday. Apparently my brother over the past two months developed a bad allergy to her and they tried all different kinds of medicine and stuff but it just didn’t work.

If you know me at all you know how much I love dogs and my dog especially. And now I’m never going to see her again.

Anna is cute.

October 19, 2008

(My stomach has been hurting since about 10 PM.)

Anna: dear jesus
we ask for healing for bommy’s stomach
we entrust to you to do what only you can do
and give bommy complete healing from stomach/stomach area problems
amen
yea you should get that fixed
your stomach hurts like everyday


Anna after prayer tonight.

Reluctance

October 18, 2008

On why I haven’t really written in so long:

I could go on and on about this. I’ll try to keep it simple.

1. I don’t recall if I’ve ever blatantly said this before in my Xanga or anything, but I’ve never actually liked anything I write. I know I’m not a terrible writer, but there always seems to be something missing, some crucial element I can’t exactly pinpoint in my writing that keeps me from being a good writer. I kind of see this in all of my creative efforts. I mean, I can’t draw or anything like that worth my life, but I like to think that I’m pretty honestly critical of myself and when I think about other things like photography or music, for example, I’m not badddddd but there’s a line that I seem unable to cross into the “good” realm. But I don’t know. Is that important? Should it even matter at all as long as I’m creating, producing, making something, anything?

2. Sometimes I just feel like I have too much of a jumble of thoughts, that I don’t even want to begin to start recording it. Or I don’t know where exactly to begin. I know if I start trying, it’ll sound bad, it won’t come out like I want it to, I’ll delete it, and then I’ll be back at point one. I don’t think I’m particularly gifted with clarity and succinctness. I tend to ramble. I look back at the mess I’ve made and cringe a little. The only writing I’ve been doing these days is in my (physical, tangible) journal, and that’s easy because I just write down revelations that I’ve had, things God has spoken to me, or in my Twitter where I write about momentary day to day things I want to remember (and those statements are so short I don’t even know if you could call them writing).

3. I’m reluctant to share with the world. And I feel that if I write, I should share it. I shouldn’t be afraid to put it out there. Those who know me know I like my privacy. And it’s difficult to pour your heart and soul into something knowing people are going to be evaluating and judging (whether they do it consciously or not). But I’m trying. I’m learning the value of transparency and accountability. Practiced with discretion, of course.

So I guess to herald (what I see as) my entry back into the writing world, I’ll start off with something simple, my week.


On the steps.

The weather was weird but at times beautiful. Probably one of the last nice weeks we’ll have. Anna and I spent a lovely Wednesday afternoon outside on the steps. The week wasn’t as bad as it could have been considering I had three midterms and a paper to look forward to.

The weekend has been even better. It was pretty relaxing since I had very few responsibilities. I had a class-wide lecture to attend on Friday so Konny graciously gave me the entire day off from ACLU where I intern, a much needed break. Ever since I got back to school I have not had a single free weekend. But my body is so crazy now that it woke itself up at 9 AM on its one free day. Yeah great, good job guys.

Today was especially great. After morning prayer and ST meetings had lunch (Chipotle!) with some people. Then Red Mango with Norman and Minnow. Then blueberry pancakes from Mikey. And then Starbucks with Norman. I feel like I haven’t really chilled with people in a really long time. It was good. Despite the fact that I have a midterm on Monday I don’t know how to study for and that I might be in Jersey for most of the day tomorrow, I am strangely calm. Yarrrr.

Prayer meeting soon. I am stoked.

That is all.